I wrote this a couple of days ago and I wanted to share it. It’s just a short, fluffy first date johndave story.
Okay, okay, let’s make a mental checklist. Brushed teeth? Check. Combed hair? Well, you tried so…check. Clean clothes that match? How hard is it to match a red shirt with black pants? You will never understand how some people have such a hard time with matching. Shades clean? Motherfucking crystal clean. No smudgy fingerprints or scratched. You would never treat your shades with such disrespect. After all, they were John’s first real gift to you.
Good, so you’re prepared. You walk up John’s front porch steps and take a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. It’s kind of pathetic that you’re so worked up over a date with someone you’ve been best friends with for five years. He’s seen you with your shades cock-eyed and drool pooling on your desk as you slept through algebra class. He’s not gonna care what you look like tonight.
You hear John call, “I got it, Dad! It must be Dave, for once he’s on time!” Man, you wouldn’t dare be late for your first of hopefully many dates with John. John yanks open the door so fast, you don’t have time to work out what smooth line to lay on him. You intelligently say, “uhh…” as you stare at John.
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So, yesterday for the drabble challenge I wrote something I actually really like. It was meant to be a headcanon but it morphed into a drabble. The word was “formal,” so I wrote a cliche johndave marriage fic because Caitlin suggested it. Here it is!
John and Dave go out to a gay bar and get ridiculously drunk and decide it would be the BEST IDEA EVER to get married. They don’t have rings and it’s too late at night to buy them so they get tattoo wedding bands around their ring fingers. John’s says “time after time” and Dave’s says, “every breath you take” in cursive- John’s in Dave’s handwriting and vice versa.
Dave insists they “do this marr-hic-iage thing right. Goddamn penguin suits and everything.” So, the two head back to their apartment and stumble around searching for dress clothes. They both manage to scrounge up only slightly wrinkled dress shirts (Dave’s is blue and John’s is red) but Dave only has a collection of “ironic” ties that feature but aren’t limited to: a My Little Pony tie (“Dave, where did you even get this?”), a tie with a picture of Chuck Norris on it, and a tie with the Spice Girls on it. Fortunately, John has a few of his Dad’s old plain black ties so they settle on those.
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I’m John. I’m not friends with Dave at all. We’re middle-aged. He’s the coolest middle-aged guy on the block. There are these guys that are really nice to me but Dave is mean to me and tells them I’m not cool at all. I had an older brother that was supposed to be Jake. And I kept making these 4-piece jigsaw puzzles that were really easy to solve. My brother used to tell me they were super lame and threw them in the toilet and then peed on them when I showed them to him. I wasn’t afraid to tell Dave that I thought he was a terrible person. So I went up to him and threw one of my dumb puzzles in his face. He put the puzzle together. It said, “I hate you Dave and think you are not cool at all. Your friends are super great, though. I don’t get why they hang out with you.” Before giving it to him, I showed it to my brother and he said it was awful and punched me. Dave didn’t come over because I hate him. We never played video games together because I made him cry when I threw the puzzle at him. I made a circle puzzle that didn’t have a key but it was supposed to be a secret. Dave tried to steal it when I was looking in my toolbox for something.
aqueousescapist:
tzumi:
This one is for Moxel, bc she’s so kind and agreed to an arttrade. C:
Hope you like it though it turned out so incredibly innocent. ♥
Reblogging because see those pants?
santabound:
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TO: biznastychristmas
FROM: hey-on
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